*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
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[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Good point.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.