If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Feel. He’s so soft.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me, in DM rooms…
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Help Wanted
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes