If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
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Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.