Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
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Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
new wife guy just dropped
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9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”