I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
me
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.