I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
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Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
The devil.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?