I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
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thinking about this
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I needed a laugh this morning.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes