I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
just witnessed a drug deal
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.