If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
You Might Also Like
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Dance like you’re not the father
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
mariah carrie
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.