i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My ideal weight is five million dollars
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.