Rooting for the overdog
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”