[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
⛄️
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head