10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
look at me when i’m typing to you
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.