Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic