Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

smh

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.