god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
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What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If you are reading this then you are reading this
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”