god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
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Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
God: I need one more rib please
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
I am now running out of paper towels.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
God: You know *hip thrusts*
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.