god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
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anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
How actors in movies eat their food
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”