Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
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That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Bobby pin
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.