Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Always

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?