if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
dude it’s called proctologist
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it