Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
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