I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
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Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
who wants to go expliring
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Why am I like this?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.