*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
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garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.