garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Girl, same.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.