I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
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Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.