Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle