The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Things will get butter, keep churning
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.