Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’