Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Seems legit
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.