Seems legit
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[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work