Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Watermelon Boss!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Should I call tech support or pray or what