Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.