Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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me hooking up with my ex
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro