Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs