Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Here’s a meme
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.