Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
quarantine day 3
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?