Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
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First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
lmao
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?