Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
My beach vacation Google searches
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
me when I see my crush
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
DOOO EEEET
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.