“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
This anagram machine is out of order.