My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.