When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
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woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.