my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!