I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
You Might Also Like
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.