Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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What a year we’ve had this week.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
The internet is magic sometimes.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
The pen is writier than the sword.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.