She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
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“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.