My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking