@DrunjAF

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

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@topaz_kell

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

@WheelTod

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

@meganamram

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

@Blarebare

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@ChrChristensen

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

@drearydoug

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

@JohnsonDiaz21

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

@weinerdog4life

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

@StruggleDisplay

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again