My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

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Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.


Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”


After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)


I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.


*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife


“Do you believe in evolution?”
“Global warming?”
“Racial Equality?”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”


I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.


A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.


Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.


Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again