My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
he’s doing your taxes
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.