Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.