Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
![]()
You Might Also Like
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
“HELP WITH CAT”
![]()
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
![]()
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Life is a suicide mission.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Dyslexics are teople poo!