Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
You Might Also Like
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous