Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Basically.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.