Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
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mathematically impossible
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?