a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
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“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?