a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
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Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!