Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
the three genders
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys