I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
oh my god
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”