My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.