A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
barbara was highly relatable
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!