Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.