Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
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I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button